Hear ye, hear ye

Despite all of the sickness I had for the first four and half months, my pregnancy has been really enjoyable. Now that it is autumn it is even better; I feel awesome, I look awesome. However, it would be slightly dull and unrealistic if all David and I talked about were the sunshine and rainbows of expecting a baby. We do happen to have a mini-rant.

We are considering posting an employment ad on Craigslist in search of a page or crier who can proceed us whenever we go places and declare the following statement: (We were originally also considering a trumpeter and flag-bearer but don’t think that we would have the budget for such a troupe.)

To the many women of Salem and the surrounding areas: We realize that I am carrying high and small. We are sorry to hear that when you were pregnant, you gained seventy pounds and were carrying “out to here.” The size of my belly has nothing to do with the size of our baby. The baby is not as you may have suggested: “a midget” or “anemic” or “mal-nourished.” We will be taking your comments with a grain of salt and assuming they come out of a place of jealousy for my ridiculously hot and sexy baby bump.

To the many area food service workers: We are sure your family must be so proud that in addition to your job as a sushi waitress/barista/waiter that you are clearly pursuing your degree in either obstetrics or midwifery. We appreciate your kind-heartedness, but we already have a health care provider. We are also well aware that “there is caffeine in that” or that some doctors recommend that pregnant women completely avoid sprouts/soft cheese/alcohol/raw fish. Your time would probably be better spent lecturing European and Japanese women. Now, serve me my damn iced tea.

To the kind lady at the coffeeshop who stopped my hand from grabbing Splenda to put in my cup of half-caf/half-decaf coffee (keeping me far under my allowed intake of 200 mg of caffeine). Splenda does not contain aspartame or saccharine, it is sucralose and deemed incredibly safe by the FDA. We are however flattered that you would take time out of your busy day which must be spent harassing cigarette smokers and those ordering Hardee’s Monster Thickburger or McDonald’s McGriddles. The Surgeon General is fortunate to have such a good helper.